Starfuckers Inc.

“My god sits in the back of the limousine,
my god comes in a wrapper of cellophane,
my god pouts on the cover of the magazine,
my god’s a shallow little bitch trying to make the scene…”

Yes, exactly the infamous song by Nine Inch Nails. Now why would this be the topic of the following post, you might wonder. You’ll see in a moment.

In my previous entry next time I promised to write about boobs and beer. A promise is a promise. But after writing a paper for my university about a Finnish brewery, I would say that beer is not to be written about. It should be drunk and you know it. As for the boobs, they should be squeezed, licked and whatnot. And you definitely know it better than I do. However, the following post still has something to do with boobs and beer, even if indirectly. It is about a phenomenon that goes back in time to the very beginning of rock music, when Beatles were just about to become popular and The Rolling Stones were still Rollin’. The following post is about… groupies.

Everything written below is based on my own experience, the things I see around me every day and the little research I’ve done on the topic prior to writing this post. So who actually is a groupie? Urban Dictionary tells me the following:

“A young woman, often under age, who seeks to achieve status by having sex with rock musicians, roadies, security, and other band-related guys.”

I’m sure you’ve heard of them, haven’t you? I’m also quite sure you’ve seen them. Most of the people would label someone ‘a groupie’ simply for the fact that this girl knows musicians and spends time with them, regardless of what her intentions are, even if they don’t have any sexual implications. If you are with the band – you’re bound to be a groupie, no other options. Girls would call you a groupie, because they are jealous and would give a lot to be at your place OR because you happen to have interest in the same musician. Guys would call you a groupie, because –oh my god – you happen to actually LIKE the looks of someone you see on stage – this, my friends, makes you shallow and not caring about the actual music. This is how the whole situation looks like through the eyes of the narrow-minded people, whose view of the world is based on how deep they shoved the finger up their ass on this particular day.

For real, it is a two-sided game. Musicians satisfy their needs by having sex with groupies; groupies satisfy their needs by having sex with musicians. Everyone is happy and each of them thinks it makes them special that way and that they “won”. Some women end up incorporating this as a lifestyle and actually make a career out of it. Like Pamela Des Barres, who definitely deserves respect at least for her openness. In her book “Confessions Of A Groupie” she wrote: “We inspired the guys as much as we were inspired by them. It was very equal. They loved us because we dared to have a blast.” Somewhere deep down the core of the whole thing still remains the same. The equality is still there, but nobody can see it. Back then, at the dawn of the history, it might have been all that romantic and inspiring in the 60’s, but not anymore. Nowadays everyone plays the definition of a groupie to their own benefit.

Except for being the cheapest and most devoted promotional tool a band can get, the groupie-theme seems to be a popular trend in the fashion industry as well. For example, there is a whole collection by the Guy Baxter brand, where quite mediocre clothes somehow try to deliver the “I’m with the band” message. It seems to be cool to have “groupie” written all over you. Well, let me tell you – it is NOT, unless you understand what you are doing, unless you really know what it is about. Otherwise it is like wearing a t-shirt that says “I’m a moron” in a language everyone understands but you.

Labeling yourself as a groupie and shoving this into the faces of all the people, who would love to accuse you of that, requires balls bigger than those of all the musicians you might ever want to fuck. You show them that you have an absolute freedom of choice, you go for what you want and you get it. They can say whatever they want, but they can only swallow it, because they don’t have the luxury of that freedom.

A lot of people ask “Why musicians? What’s so special about them? They are just people.” Of course they are just people when it comes to the vices of the human nature. Yet, I am fairly certain that your next door neighbor doesn’t write music that makes hundreds or thousands of people lose their minds, does he? Musicians are always on high demand and once you taste the bitter pill – you will know that it is quite far from what you and the rest of the girls dreamed about. Being in a relationship with a musician you constantly find yourself in a threesome with him and his ego. And quite often the ego will devour your place as well.

The problem is that the rules of this game allow no exceptions. If you are in any way related to the ‘scene’ and you happen to be young and somewhat attractive – you will hardly ever be taken more seriously by most than a piece of meat with a few holes. The music community fully incorporates the motto “women are only good for three things: cleaning and cooking and vagina”. On the other hand, if you’re a guy (with no status in the industry) wanting to meet your heroes – nobody will be interested in you. Because you’re a guy – a loser with no vagina – the status given to you by the likes of you. Thus, you will have to put quite some effort and jump around your favourite musicians to get a little of their time. Yet, for this kind of behavior a man will never be called a groupie, because he can’t be potentially fucked.

As Bob Dylan sang “times, they are a-changing”. With Gaahl coming out of the closet (and someone else possibly following his example), some day the male species might find their way into the role of a groupie. After all, they learned to do the house chores and wear make up!

Yet, the question remains: if it all comes down to sex, does it really make you a groupie, if your interest is purely intellectual and you actually enjoy talking to musicians without going down on them? Apparently the thin line goes through the fact that you might not always show it. Sincere excitement about meeting people whose music you like can get you easily labeled as a groupie. As sad as it is, there seems to be no way of escaping this fate in a man’s world. So if you wear the groupie label, at least wear it with pride.

The rest we’ll leave to Sir Paul McCartney. He is a Sir, he should know better.
“Nobody knows what the famous groupies know
And nobody goes where the famous groupies go.”

Proud to be loud.
- Tanja